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  • Save a Volcano

    So, what's in it for me?

    Well, first, let me explain what saving a volcano entails. First, you need to get a band of radical environmentalists to band together to do this right. After all, how can one person hug a volcano, and really stop those against him? After you get your little band together, you need to pick a volcano in danger of extinction.

    Just think of all the volcanos that have already gone extinct! It's a shame that the earth has lost all these places to let off a little steam... to burp once in a while. Just imagine how you would feel if you couldn't eructate after ingesting chili, soda, or other gas-inducing foods. It would be horrible, but yet the earth is gradually loosing its ability to relieve itself.

    That's where you come in. I need a bunch of hearty, intestinally-fortified souls to assist me in restarting these ports on the earth. I know I would feel horrible if I could never release that kind of internal pressure, and the earth has far more pressure to relieve than anyone can fully understand. I feel that resuming the operation of these extinct, and even the dormant, vents in the earth is a laudable, obtainable goal.

    Once I get my initial band together, I plan to go to a few places in Russia, and try to jumpstart a few of the dead Volcanos. I'm sure that a few tons of Composition C4 well placed will do enough to reopen the portal to the outside world, and begin the relief that the earth has been in dire need of for hundreds of years. The burps near population centers, such as St Helens and Pinatubo, are more proof that we need to help the earth vent in less populated areas. I don't think that restarting ports near population centers is necessarily the best way of Saving the Volcanos, but eventually they may need to be reopened also, depending on our success in less populated regions.

    Ah, but already I hear an objection: 'What if someone tries to stop us?' Well, that's easy. Following in the tradition of Greenpeace, and some of the environmental groups in the US, chain yourself to the mountain. Certainly no one will stop you from chaining yourself to a volcano, and then setting off thousands of pounds of plastique, would they? Of course not! You, after all, will be bettering the environment, helping to reduce fears in densely peopled regions, and you will get yourself on the evening news, probably in many countries!

    I hope that I now have your full, unabashed support in this cross-continental cause. Please email me with any questions you have about starting, or joining a local Save the Volcanos Chapter. I am working steadily at getting more local Chapters opened around the country and world, and need all the help I can get!.

    Thank you for all your help!